Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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