i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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