I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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