i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
