u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
