Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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