On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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