I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
