I hate all girls vehemently.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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