11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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