When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
