How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
