I'm lost and stupid without you.
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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