If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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