Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
