so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize