if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
