I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize