wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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