I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
