I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
