Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
