I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
