You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
