she woke up with a sticky ear
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
