My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
