Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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