Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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