i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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