Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
