i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
