This dress was meant to end up on your floor
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i love accidental penises.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
