if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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