sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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