Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
