why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I lost the right to judge tonight
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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