I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
