A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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