Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
