Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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