So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
