Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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