One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
