can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
