His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
