I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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