you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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