my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
