I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
