Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
