The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
