if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
