It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
