I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
