I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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